"It might even be that the police could organise a programme whereby the owners of kitchen knives, which have been properly and lawfully bought for culinary purposes, could be taken somewhere to be modified, with the points being ground down into rounded ends," he said."
And we should have nerf bats and cars that only travel 5 mph made of foam rubber and we should get rid of all the rocks and we should . . .
I swear it's gotten so bad that the Onion is going out of business because the regular news is so bizarre and ridiculous that making stuff up can't match reality.