cancel
Showing results for 
Search instead for 
Did you mean: 
Highlighted
Senior Contributor

65 years, in-laws and assisted living.

Want to make sure I get all my thoughts in one post.   Yesterday we celebrated my in-laws' 65th wedding anniversary with an open house  at their house.   Just cake, tea and lemonade.  We had close to 100 people there during the 4 hours.   We went with 4 hours to hope the guests would trickle in, which they did.   And we did it in their house because it would be their last hurrah in their home.    Unfortunately,  we may have  done in the Air conditioner... because they are staying in my house tonight.     By next week I believe they will be moved into assisted living in town.  Now we have to decide what to take.   MIL  doesn't really  want to make decisions.   It will be a change for us too.   Tom is use to stopping in daily for a break with ice tea at the kitchen table.  We'll have to make a weekly schedule for visiting and running errands for them.   Another reason not to have hogs. 

 

We were so glad that so many friends and neighbors had the opportunity to stop buy.  MIL  sat in a chair the whole time she was really enjoying her time as "Queen of the Ball".   FIL  escaped to the kitchen for "farmer talk"  once.    After the scheduled time all the hosts headed to Happy Joes for Pizza.  Giving the in-laws some quiet time..    I think next year we will just have a party at assisted living on the week.   We will see how many more anniversaries they have.  

 

Anyone have experience with assisted living and offer any suggestions.   Meals are provided in a dining area.   House keeping and a nurse on duty daily.    Wondering about  security and safety of billfolds, checkbook, purse, cash and rings.  MIL  has no real  valuable jewelry.   They do have long care insurance which will kick in after 3 months.   We do believe they will qualify.  Affording the care should be no problem for them or the farm.    FIL is looking forward to having help  watching MIL  and helping keep all their meds straight.   Really looking forward to regulary prepared meals.   Hope he doesn't gain too much weight.  

 

Their home will be left as its.   We will maintain it as a Bed and Breakfast for family to use when visiting.  And will offer it to friends who might have too much family visiting them.  And I'm going to buy 3 twin mattress, 1 full mattress set and 1 full mattress.   My relatives will love me.   In-laws refused to buy good mattresses for themselves or family. 

0 Kudos
9 Replies
Highlighted
Veteran Contributor

Re: 65 years, in-laws and assisted living.

Been there. In-laws were in senior apartment with option of dining room meals. After FIL passes MIL ate in the dining room. If regular bills and banking is electronic then there is little need for much at the assisted living, especially if you are going to be visiting regularly. They did have a little cash, but relied on the checkbook mostly. Neither one was driving.  Mom was in assisted living for a while. She had given up driving so didn't need that expense. DIL has banking POA so she took care of regular bills. Again little need for cash, but kept the checkbook.

Be careful not to take too much away as this is part of the remaining dignity. Encourage them to do things for themselves if they can. The more you take away the faster they go downhill. Good luck, this is always hard.

0 Kudos
Highlighted
Senior Contributor

Re: 65 years, in-laws and assisted living.

Our experiences  were good with assisted living. We moved the furniture and items that MIL wanted and that fit the space. I did seasonal decorations, especially on the door. She never cooked in apt but we took instant coffee, soups, bread, peanut butter and jelly etc for days she did not like the meal being served.  We also took in supplies regularly and treats. She enjoyed being waited on by the staff. And we appreciated the staff that checked on her and cared for her needs especially getting her to Dr appts etc.

 

On the flip side, we know there was money stolen. She hid some of the money allowance we took to her and when she was in the nursing home for a short stay we never found the money she had hidden so well until she was back in the apt. At the end, she was in the hospital and when we got back to the apt her purse had been emptied and was lying on the stripped bed.  Another time, we told the manger that money was missing and they said that would not happen there but a few weeks later some staff was fired.  So stealing can be an issue. There is a need for cash for hair apt and field trips usually but we regret taking so much cash but we felt at the time that is was her money and she wanted cash in her purse of course.

 

 

0 Kudos
Highlighted
Senior Contributor

Re: 65 years, in-laws and assisted living.

Beds..are you getting new mattresses for the move or do you dare? Or just for the guest house?

0 Kudos
Highlighted
Honored Advisor

Re: 65 years, in-laws and assisted living.

What a wonderful, simple way to celebrate their big day. The AC should recover when the doors are shut for a while, and not so many bodies are in there, generating heat.

Couple of of thoughts on assisted living:
First, in any group situation, residents can " move" each other's belongings, even if the staff is 100% trustworthy. This can descend to the level of eyeglasses and false teeth, I have been told. The staff will be able to provide guidance on that, along with what they need to bring.
It may help your MIL tremendously that you do not have plans to sell or convert their home to rental...that way, her things will be available for a protracted time. Knowing that you and Tom are nearby, a phone call could have items there on short notice. I would avoid making special trips to carry things, thought, because that might get to be a way to cause you to come every day...just telling her you will be coming and can make a list of what she needs when you do, would be how I would handle that.

I do not think that Mike's mom keeps many or really any items of value at her assisted living home. Any bills and such go to his sister, who is co- signer of her checking account. We used to mail her a check every month for her support, but started sending it to the sister when one got delivered to a VERY wrong address last year.

Since you already do the business books, perhaps they would give you or Tom signatory authority on their personal accounts as
well, at least for checking. It would make everyone's life so much simpler and them so much safer.

As for the meals and weight gain, I think you will find that the home's portion control will keep your FIL nourished, but not overfed. After reading their " grocery list" that you wrote here a while back, the biggest problem he will probably complain about is not having enough sweets. My MIL's home feeds them three square meals a day, in a group dining room, or delivered to their room, plus wine and cheese at 10:30 a.m. In other words, they get enough, but not too much. I would discuss this concern with the staff. I think you will be reassured.

You may want to talk with their insurance agent about covering any valuables under a renter's policy, if you have real concerns about what they take with them, but I doubt you will.

Keeping their home for a family get- together resort is a great idea. New bedding will be a nice touch. They are lucky to have that to come back to at holidays and reunions, too. You are a great daughter-in-law.

You are also a great wife, since.you recognize how much Tom will miss that glass of tea everyday. Maybe move the pitcher and a pair of glasses to your house, and continue the tradition of the break? We all know it is the emotional tie, not the tea...but he may enjoy a little extra TLC, at least for a while.

Good luck in this big transition. If I ever knew anyone who will handle it well, it is you. Please keep us posted on the family's changes.
0 Kudos
Highlighted
Honored Advisor

Rule of thumb about cash and possessions

We have always operated on the premise of what to carry into an uncertain place with the same rule I gave parents for kindergarten show and tell: Do not bring anything that you cannot afford to lose, or stand to see broken.
0 Kudos
Highlighted
Senior Contributor

Re: 65 years, in-laws and assisted living.

Have to agree with Kay, theft will occur by many that pass through the building. Make certain that they have family pictures (or copies) where they can be seen. Maybe bring some flowers every week to brighten up their mood. They don't have be fancy or many. If I remember right, most apts are usually not too colorful to satisfy the different resident's likings. Try to get other farmers your FIL's age to visit regularly or he may feel alone. Glad that your family is supportive of their move to a caring facility. Was thinking about cash for some of the trips and haircuts. Do the services accept debit cards, gift cards or punch cards? That way they don't have to carry cash or loose change. Hard to steal if their name is engraved or marked on it.

0 Kudos
Highlighted
Honored Advisor

Re: 65 years, in-laws and assisted living.

I always say,"Ask the professionals."  Each facility will have its own preferred, standard way of makring possessions, handling minor expenses, etc. 

 

I would think they might maintain a petty cash account, that you could set up and let the person draw from as needed.  I know the kids at TKD have an envelope in the administrator's drawer for the drink machine, as an example.  Any institution will/should have a recommendation for handling these matters. 

 

I have not dealt with too many moves of this or any sort; but, I did a lot of research before every one.  I knew my girls would want to know about lunchroom and sports before we moved them here. 

 

I would put myself in their shoes, and make a list of what I think they will want to know, and ask as many as I need to have answered, so I could allay any fears or uncertainties.  For example, in my MIL's home, residents are allowed a full bath every other day, and are attended for their safety.  The bath in their room is only a lavatory and toilet.  Details like tha tare important ot know and expect ahead of time. 

 

 

There are also policies about what kind of decorations and accessories you may provide in some homes...there is a long and sordid story about space heaters at my MIL's residence.  She still thinks there was favoritism, and that it wasn't a safety issue that hers had to go home with my SIL. 

 

Someone mentioned the door decorations...I was told that this helps the ladies recognize their own door, since they all look pretty much alike.  It does permit them to have some holiday festivity, or personalization of their space. 

 

Always remember this:  People become unhappy or dissatisfied when their expectations are not met, or are violated.  If you do not know an answer, tell them you do NOT know, but will ask and get back to them.  Do not make up an answer that soundsgood to you, that turns out to be wrong...that is where they will feel distrustful, and start to wonder what else they have been told that will not be true. 

 

Change is hard enough to take at fifty-something.  At eighty-something, you have to rely on someone who has your best interests at heart.  The less iffy stuff that goes on around you, the easier that is to do. 

 

0 Kudos
Highlighted
Senior Contributor

Re: 65 years, in-laws and assisted living.

I miss those mid morning visits with Mudder, hope all goes well for all of your family. 

0 Kudos
Highlighted
Senior Contributor

Re: 65 years, in-laws and assisted living.

It sounds like  you have thought of everything. I know this time is coming soon for my Mom and Dad, and I will have to handle everything on my own. You are very lucky to have so many friends and family. My Dad said the the other day growing old was not fun, all his friends and family are gone. He sits and watches TV, and his mind is getting worse every day. I hope the best for the move, I know it will be hard on all of you. My MIL lives right by me on the farm and after my FIL passed away, it took my DH months to get over going and drinking coffee with his Dad every morning. We are blessed to still have them with us.

0 Kudos