Advice/venting

[Nebrfarmr]

Remember, a grudge is only heavy if you carry it. 

Try to think of it this way, consider your sister to have a mental condition, that causes her to be this way, it is nothing you did, and is not your fault.  When a family member such as your daughter asks a question, answer truthfully.  If she says that Auntie X says it happened this way, tell her you remember it another way, and not argue it.  If she persists, just say that Auntie X is just that way sometimes, and drop it, because actually, some people just ARE that way.

A personal story, that may help you understand:

A couple years ago, my brother was in a bad accident, in the summer, and had fields to harvest.  My sister in law didn't know what to do.  A few of us family members got together, and just got it done, with friends and neighbors helping.  Now HER sister in law (her brother's wife) was visiting once when we were talking about picking here and there, and how neighbor A could help on Tuesday, and neighbor B on Thrusday, that sort of thing.  Her SIL(let's call her 'Jill') asked 'how much are those people charging to help?  I said 'nothing', that they just let us know what days they'd have spare time, and we more or less arranged a harvest crew around it.  She then turned to my SIL (the one who's husband was in a coma) and said 'How come you have all the luck?'

We were all speechless, but just let it go as a slip of the tongue.

Later, we learned that 'Jill' then went around to the neighbors, and ASKED them to help 'Jill' and her husband with their harvest, so that they would then have time to help the rest of the crew at my brother's place.  She made it sound like we had so many people already, we'd be in each other's way, and when they got theirs done, they'd bring machinery to help things go quicker (the 'crew' we had were using only our combine, so 1 or 2 extra people a day helped things greatly, and a second combine would have been a great help). 
Long story short, when 'Jill' and her husband got done with harvest, they took a mini-vacation.  When 'Jill's' husband found out that Jill was soliciting help under the excuse that they were going to help us if they got done quicker, he first got angry, and then said 'well, tha's just how Jill is sometimes'  (He didn't know about her 'asking', and saying they'd help brother, he thought neighbors just showed up every once in a while to be nice - yea, I think he knows better, but just doesn't want to admit it).

Sister in law then told the rest of the family, and close friends, that she no longer has a sister-in-law, that in her mind 'Jill' no longer exists, and doesn't want to hear a word about what she is up to, where she goes, or what she did (there are a lot of 'Jill' stories out there).  Recently she told me that was the smartest thing she did that whole year, dropped her stress level by half.

[Kay/NC]

Everyone has a "Jill", until they are smart enough to cut the strings.  Mine was my next-youngest sister, who is five years my junior.  When I stopped communicating with my birth family three years ago, it took me a few months for the pain to stop to the point that I could be more objective about them and their ways. 

In retrospect, I realized that I had never, in her entire life, heard from her unless she wanted something, or needed me to solve a problem she had created.  Mike says that my whole family used me - he was SO right - and that I would never have figured this out if I had stayed in touch. 

As your SIL so aptly observed, the stress level diminishes termendously when you remove that type of influence.  I cannot imagine what she was having to content with, given your brother's condition; but, being used in that manner had to have added insult to injury.. 

My daughter had a "Jill" experience about a year ago, too.  She had a miscarriage, and a "friend", who was having some fertility issues at the time. commented, when told she'd lost her pregnancy, "Well, at least you know you can get pregnant."  She never expressed any condolences on our chiildren's loss. 

As loving and forgiving as my daughter can be, she had a really hard time with that one.  We talked about it a lot.  She finally saw that her friend is a narcissist...I had seen it for years, but this experience pushed it to a level she finally grasped. 

People like Jill wear out their welcome eventually.  Usually, some sort of a crisis points their traits out to us, and it really, finally sinks in. 

[Nebrfarmr]

When you say 'birth' family, does that mean you are adopted?  We adopted two girls, and to their credit, the birth families realized they were not going to be as good of parents as they hoped to be, which is how we got them.  If they grow up to be half as level headed as you seem to be, I can die proud I've done my job right.

As to 'Jill', her oldest kid is now in college, and doesn't like coming home.  when she does, she looks for excuses to be somewhere else.  Up to the point where SIL broke it off, we always got along really well, and she once asked me if something was 'wrong' with her, as her monther drove her crazy to no end.  I told her she was obliged to respect her mother, to try and love her, but there was no requirement to 'like' her. 

[Kay/NC]

No, not adopted.  I differentiate between my family - Mike, our three now-grown kids,SIL, a new grandson, and me - and the family I was born into.  I tried to satisfy that bunch for over 50 years, and it simply couldn't be done. 

Now, it is the family I built with Mike, and that's enough.  We finally are free of the pathological elements of my upbringing. 

Thank you for your kind words...your girls will be just fine.  We all reap what we sow. 

[Nebrfarmr]

Might be a regional thing.  Around here, we call it 'his side' and 'her side' more than anything.  'Birth' family to me referrs to the family an adopted child was born into.  In Nebraska, we have 'open' adoption laws, where both the adoptive, and birth families know each other, and where the child is, unless they specifically decide not to.  In our case, it is very good, as we are on good terms with the birth parents (both of them, actually), and have access to any family history of medical conditions, and such.