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Senior Contributor

Deal breaker

Son is very upset with me for spending what he considers too much of farm funds at the 4H auction last night. Dil will be back from her vacation tomorrow and I know she'll be upset too. Hubby says forget it cause it is still OUR farm.
Don't know who it was that was pushing me, now I wish I would have pulled out and stuck them with the expensive can of milk. Kind of felt like I was making up for all the times our kids got nothing because the people around here have no appreciation for how much work it is to get a dairy cow to fair.
This fair is, and always has been, mostly because of the personalities of the people involved, about the beef. And when you get right down to it it's three times the work to get a dairy cow to fair. Just because the dairy kids were always prepared and never lost control of an animal doesn't mean the possibility was any less. There were some years you could tell that mom/dad had done all the work on a beef animal and the kid was scared to death and had no control at all.
Boy old feelings come up easy, it's been ten years since we had an animal to fair.
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14 Replies
Advisor

Re: Deal breaker

Forget it.  It's still your farm.    Agree with DH.     Good of you to support the 4-hers  that  do the work.  

 

I too think that the Dairy kids get left out.    Our fair only had one kid that even had a dairy heifer to bring.  

 

I know my DD and SIL  are probably planning on our DGD  having a  sheep or steer when she gets old enough so she can add to her  college fund.    Can't have a pig as long as mommmy has her swine tech job at vet clinic. 

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Senior Contributor

Re: Deal breaker

I have always believed that 4-H is a wonderful program that prepares young people for their futures. That said the livestock shows get plenty of knocks due to the amount of money that is spent on some animals to win the shows. I don't see that changing and I believe it has gotten much more expensive to win, sometimes outrageously. It is the same conversations year after  year only with different families.

 

I also understand  how auctions work. It is easy to over bid especially when you are thinking of the kids and what they deserve. Remind daughter-in-law that it is a tax write off.

 

Maybe all the plans are not in writing yet?  Sounds like this might be a power struggle.

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Honored Advisor

Re: Deal breaker

If it is still your farm, then I agree. If the transition has already commenced, and the money is joint money, then you could offer to pay it back from personal funds.

Most problems are money problems, under the skin. I don't think you should have to ask your children -and especially not you children-in-law if you can buy something meaningful to you.
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Senior Contributor

Re: Deal breaker

Yes on the business deal with son, it kind of you might say is limbo time right now.

Construction and renovation are on going.  Changes have been made physically, but actually the business and debt right now are still completely ours.  Formal business development isn't scheduled until January.

Work roles have been defined and implemented.  Well sort of.  It is still not easy going between son&dil and hubby.  Changing hands and complete decision making power will not happen over night, I don't think even when the business entities are formally put in motion.  And I think I'm looking at a period of time of being in the middle doing a lot of listening and absorbing the strife from both hubby and son as they work things out.  Good thing is I'm pretty good at keeping them from blowing up and getting them to take the time to think before they discuss things themselves again.  I think I do an excellent job of helping each of them see and understand and maybe devleopment some empathy for the others point of view.

 

Good news is by lunch time son had calmed down and realized a few of thousand dollars spent at the fair wasn't going  to sink the farm

 

On a humorous note;  some how the rumor started around town that my son and dil got divorced.  So tonight son and a former employee are going out to dinner and seeing the fair.  They are laughing their heads off about really getting the rumor mill going.  Talked to the girls' mom last night at the fair grounds and she agrees it should be good.

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Senior Contributor

Re: Deal breaker

Really?  That is an odd sense of humor.

I thought you were talking about a few hundred dollars not a few thousand.

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Honored Advisor

Re: Deal breaker

If money is mine, or part of a debt I would be responsible to pay back, then it is my decision how to spend it.

You have, out of everyone in this situation, the most crucial, yet difficult, job. Good luck!
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Senior Contributor

Re: Deal breaker

Son has forgotten the benefits of 4-H I'm thinking and only seeing the $$ side of farming.  They are both going to have to suck it up until everything is in their hands and then it will be you guys keeping your mouth shut about how they do stuff to a certain extent.  In the end it's really for the kids and as mentioned above, it's a tax write off. 

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Senior Contributor

Re: Deal breaker

I think that donating to the 4H program is a way to keep the program going. Your son is on "hyper" right now wanting to make everything work.  Are you and your husband going to get a "wage" from the farm?  How is money going to be divvied out so everyone has their own spending money and who is holding the "farm" checkbook?  How are decisions going to be made as to what is purchased out of the farm account? 

Heard a story about a farm husband and wife at a Scheels store.  He walked over and bought a $500 gun, she walked over and bought three pair of $75 dollar shoes! 

Who is going to tell your DIL that she can't buy something? 

I went to our bank one day and our banker was at the door giving out $10 bills.  I said "Oh, wow, giving away money"... he said "Pay it forward"  I still carry that money around in the envelope and plan to give it to our 4H program/extension.  I am a former 4H member/parent/leader. 

 

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Veteran Contributor

Re: Deal breaker

My husband once unintentionally stirred up rumors of our divorce when he took his sister to the fair. 

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