It is a complex issue that gets its roots in the coping mechanisms we learn as children. We learn to become peacemakers, trusting people who have proven themselves to be untrustworthy, hoping all along that they will change, then getting disappointed when they dont live up to our expectations.
The sad fact is that the "victim" has an active role in why this behavior happened and continues. It is called enabling and all three of you, including son and DIL, enabled him. You all bear responsibility for this situation. You all knew his past behavior and chose to believe someone who had lied to you and manipulated you all to get what he wanted.
The bottom line is that you cannot change him. You can only change yourself.
I am saying this with compassion and i pray that you do some research or get some counseling to deal with why you accept this treatment.
I am not trying to pour on blame and hurt when you're hurting already. This is about recognizing and taking responsibility and control over your own life. He will only do this as long as he is allowed to do it.
I am speaking from the sad experience of my first marriage and my work with abused women in my program. You might think i am mean but i assure you that if you can honestly confront the situation, you can change it.
DEFINITELY! Start by not saying his name or reference. This is about YOU and what you can control. Please get counseling for abused women. Emotional and mental abuse are as painful as physical abuse but without the bruises everyone can see. This is for yourself. He sounds like a lost cause.
After reading all the replies I think I'm ready. First I agree with MikeSEIL. Time to threaten the big D. If you are like most farms and since he won't do any estate planning I bet he doesn't have other planning either. You own HALF of the cows and equipment even if he owns the farm ground. And yes, you own half the debt. With your Son gone finding time to get any mental, financial or other personal help will be difficult if the cows and calves are to be taken care of. But, you need a plan.
And Turkey Feather is right too. Time to plan a sale. Not a real good time right now with a drought but, you are working yourself to death litterally.
I figure that milk production is going to drop now that he is solely in charge again. What/who is he going to blame that on? Time to quit being his scapegoat. Yes, I'm being pretty harsh. Maybe it is because I do own half of everything and there is not a neighbor or friend or enemy that wouldn't testify in court that I deserve half. . He can't do it without my half. You are in a really bad spot. Wish we could be there for moral and physical support. Don't be afraid to talk to the cows. Bounce a few ideas off of them. My pigs have listened to some of my rants in the past. They are good listeners....they don't interupt me.
When I get real mad I remind him: "I own a stock prod and I know how to casterate".
I can't keep from saying to you that you have been given some very good advice here. Please give all of this some very thoughtful time and read it and then read it again. You have asked for advice here many times and we want to help you.