My BIL's Wife

[suey1973]

I'm stalling on going next door.    My BIL's wife is a little nutty.   And she is driving all us sane normal people up a wall.   All family is here for Thanksgiving at my In-law's house.   I let it be known that I would buy groceries all they had to do was let me know what they needed on hand.   They could then add to the "jar"  to deferr the costs.    If I bought it,  I'd be responsible for the leftovers.   If they brought it  they'd would be required to haul it all home with them.   The house is unoccupied since in-laws are in assisted living.   Kitchen is intact.  Including all dishes and cooking dishes and utensils.   Plus my house is fully loaded.   Typical farm wife able to survive for a month. 

My BIL's wife/  Patty.  Brought:   about $250 of groceries,  there are still 2 coolers, and 2 boxes sitting in the hallway    She brought:  coolwhip,  whipping cream,   several baking dishes,  kitchen utensils,  canned goods,  boughten cookies,  candies,  cheeses, potatoes,  etc, etc, etc   

I find it to be extremely disrespectful.   And quite honestly I'm now positive that my BIL  has no balls! 

Last night with a refrigerator FULL of leftovers she had to prepare a special birthday dinner for her 64 year old husband.   Complete with 3 very, very rich desserts.    Then she looked at me and asked if we were still going to be doing a weiner roast tonight.   Took everything to not tell her exactly what I thought.   But,  I informed her no.....  and wanted to add: because  anyone who is planning a weiner roast pays attention to the weather forecast.    Any resonable person would have known  we had a perfect night to weiner roast last night.   Today/Saturday has been predidcted to be wet, cold, rainy and windy for the past 5 days.  

If she is over there preparing ONE DISH  I'll probably walk out.    Not only does she overdo stuff,  over prepare food,  it has to be done with presentation!   Including leftovers.   

Before she leaves tomorrow I'll be monitoring the frigerator,  freezer and cupboards.   She is not leaving with anything she hauled in here.    How would you handle her without blowing a fuse?   I've already cussed her out to myself in the hog buildings numerous times.   

Guess I'll go show up.  Wish me luck! 

[Kay/NC]

Well, I can say from experience: The pigs will never tell on you!

People are just so damned different.  Dingbats really wear me out...and I was reared by the Queen of Dingbats.  They don't confuse me. They just tick me off by trying to control me, and then pretending that they didn't intend to do it..... 

Rather than try to figure out her individual indiscretions, I will offer up my usual observation: This food thing  is how she exerts control in her household.  She just brought her act on the road this week.

I can empathize.  We have some friends who are very much foodies...they can make you think they are having a sexual experience when they talk about some meals.  I say, "Good for you." 

To their credit, they have good taste,  and have taught us a lot about good food and drink.  On the other hand, if I want to get that excited over something sensual, it won't be in the dining room....

What is so funny is this:  I am most decidedly NOT a cook; but ,on the couple of occasions when i have carried a dessert to one of their cooperative dinner events, the dessert was a big hit.  Not my judgemnt...the people scarfed it down, not a crumb or spoonful left over.  

 Now, no matter how much I offer to bring a dish, I am told not to worry about it.  I think it is a control thing...some people just pride themselves as being the chefs of the world, and the rest of us are just chopped liver.  I KNOW you are a good cook, Suey, but this chick sees herself as several grades above normal mortals, at least in the kitchen. 

That birthday event was just an excuse for her to take over.  I think you were a most gracious hostess...and they have rejected much of your hospitality.  That is a bad way to be...

I think there was some clash of expectations between your vision for the weekend and hers.  Since you communicated the plans well in advance, and she didn't make any alternative offers, I can only conclude that she made a conscious decision to change plans to suit her. agenda.   

You could "fix" this, by downsizing the kitchen equipment at that guest house.  Another option would be to invite her to do all the food for the next family reunion...since she is SO good at it. 

Tell the pigs,and think it over a while.  This is may be the only tiny means this woman has to make herself feel valuable and valued...like our friend,s it's her identity.  You have so many accomplishments, cooking included.  

I am trying to think of the right thing to say/do, and so far, it's escaping me...if I didn't know(?) better, I'd say she is feeding your brother to death.  Stranger things have happened....

[soilbabe]

Low class:  Did you have enough to eat?

Middle class:  Did you like the food?

High Class:  How does the food look?

After analysis, your SIL defies definition....maybe she is without class??  (Pun intended but no harm intended).

I don't know....some people just rub us the wrong way no matter what they say or do.  Maybe she is just that person to you.  If she came empty-handed she would be a moocher....coming all overloaded makes her a control freak....

How is it that some people know just the *right* amount of generosity that leaves you with a good feeling? 

I frequently tell my DDs and DDILs not to worry about bringing anything to gatherings...it is not control but my desire to provide them with a day off from having to prepare anything....they are all so busy with their children, careers, and homes....

DGD Brynn is crashed on the overstuffed chair about five feet from me.....she made it all of 15 minutes after everyone left....she was supposed to help me decorate the Christmas tree tonight but neither of us will make it....I just realized that I cooked two mammoth meals for big crowds in less than 48 hours....I am worn out. 

Maybe the best thing to do is nothing.  Vent to the pigs....vent to us....but let it go....ask yourself if it will really make a difference in a hundred years? 

[linda/IL]

Is she a city gal?  Sounds like it.  Guess I would hit the wine bottle before I went to mellow out.  I definitely would "help" them load up to be sure everything was packed up.  Maybe take a good supply of garbage bags with.  At least she wasn't staying a week!

My brother's stay has been a trial also.  He eats very healthy-good boy.  He bought groceries the first day here; had to go all the way to Moline & it took all day(?).  My mom was a little disgruntled until he made dinner that night.  Grilled salmon, marinated grilled veggies, salad with feta cheese, pine nuts, etc. & fresh strawberries & blueberries,  she raved about how great it was-wanted me to come in & see it instead of doing chores!  The kicker is that she wrote him a check for it all-$85.  After she pd. for his round trip air fare. 

He had told me once that when he comes home here he "shuts down".  He really did this time.  Eating then napping, then eating then leaving.  Rarely conversed.  Why come?  He did clean mom's garage today which she wants me to PRAISE his work.  What about my efforts 365 days/yr.?  After talking to him, she's ready for an apartment which she will not like & I'll get to hear about.  Aren't holidays fun?

[chick06]

I know holidaysT are for family, and I LOVE mine, but on the other hand, I am an only child so I do not have to put up with in-laws except for DH's. I had a SIL spend 2 nights with us, and we really had a great time. I don't have any problem with my SIL's its the children they have are the problem. They just annoy me to death. THey all act like they are so much better than everyone, forgetting we all live on the same farm. We all live within a 1/2 mile of each other, you never see them except on Holidays or if they need money.

[Kay/NC]

You know, we say " What will it matter in a hundred years?" as though it doesn't. I think it does. Tiny insults, or faux pas, if you will, are the things that I think really fray the fabric of families and communities. Schisms in churches are often over the most minor issues, too. I guess I am way too direct. If something bothers me, I will say so. If someone does something I have made it clear I dislike, I will ask them if they realized it, and ask them why they did it anyway... I don't confront things that are not worth the trouble; but, if I am upset long enough or badly enough, I will generally make it known. People cannot be blamed if you have left things in an ambiguous state. So, I try to dispel ambiguity. Not every inconsiderate action is an intentional insult. In this one, the city girl may not have a clue about weather and wiener roasts, for instance. The lack of common sense that passes for functionality nowadays leaves me boggled. I don't get the birthday bot T his age, either, but maybe they make a big deal of such dates...I dunno. I would think twice before going to too much trouble again next year, at least for this part of the family...it is just plain wasteful. It is really a good thing animals can 't talk. I told my beagle, Lady, everything about my life that i woild never have told my parents, from about age eight to sixteen. Fortunately, she never spilled the beans.

[suey1973]

Thanks gals.    I was very blunt last summer saying how much my MIL and FIL were upset when they saw all the food and boxes and coolers sitting around.  What I used then was that ... the in-laws wanted to pay for the food.  So,  I took the in-laws checkbook and bought the food last time.  She was Somewhat better this summer.   But,  this was sooo over the top this time.  

I truely  do not understand a birthday dinner for a 64 year old man.   Especially since my husband's family basically barely aknowledges birthdays.   The SIL  makes too big of deal out of them.   Expects... but we refuse... for everyone to show up for every birthday party for her grandchildren.... and to bring the great grand parents.      I think you are right  despite the fact my husband and I listen to the weather forcast several times a day trying to plan activites  I think she pays absolutely no attention to such things. 

I think she finds  us hicks to be to uncivilized to have some nice food.  She is a good cook,  poor at cleanup.   And we have had some very delicious meals.   But,  on the day after Thanksgiving do we need:   chocolate cheese cake,   another pumpkin pie/with real whipped cream,   and a bread pudding with a carmel sauce??   

On a positive note.  The Halloween costume I got on clearance were a HUGE HIT!   I didn't get to see much since I was moving pigs all day.    The parents and the kids all thanked me.   Plus,  they are now there in a suitcase to play with everytime they come to visit. 

[Kay/NC]

Suey, I think your approach to family events is on target...

I agree that a man that old may enjoy a special birthday dinner, at home with this immediate family,  but not a full-blown party.  Birthday parties are for children, in our tradition.  Maybe for a biggie like eight or 100...but not 64....

I know a woman (wife of an instructor) who does this whole super posing of every event for her family...I call it "staging."  It is like she's written some script of the event in her head, and has to costume everyone  and sequence every step of the day.  Everything is as she's pictured it should be in her mind...not as it IS in real life. 

Honestly, I find it extremely creepy on some level I cannot quite verbalize...and,. that is saying a lot, for me!  It falls into the "ain't quite right" category....one of those things that - like pornography -  is almost impossible to explain, but you know when you see it....

On the other hand,. your idea to provide the costuems for the kids was a stroke of pure genius.  Again, one of those things that most people would fail to do, yet everyone recognizes as brilliant (and highly considerate), when they see how much it improved the weekend for the kids, and their parents.  

As long as the lady and your BIL paid for the food they brought, I would  forget about it.  Wouldn't offer them a penny for it, either....

[turkey feather]

I have been thinking about this this since reading it earlier today. Sounds like my sister who has to one-up everyone and over do. When MY DDG was born DS shows up at the hospital with a pink doll carriage decorated and very showy.

I have been so badly treated by her all these years that I finally drew a line in the sand and now have nothing to do with her. I know you can't do that with a SIL but sometimes it is the only way to have peace.

Maybe you were too good of a hostess having everything all ready for them. Did they at least wash the sheets? Maybe next time just have breakfast items and sandwich fixings ready for them and let them bring what they want to eat. At least you were not staying in the same house.

[Kay/NC]

The pink carriage brought to the hospital is a great visual way to explain the sort of person I am trying to describe.  In your sister's  mind, the baby's birth presented her with a chance to grab a big splash of attention for herself.

Who in their right mind takes something that difficult to carry home to a hospital, when they are coming home in two days or less?  Most people mean well, but every flower arrangement presents one more thing to manage, when the new parents need as few distractions in the car on the way home as possible. 

I am not surprised that you limit your contact.  This whole thing speaks to a lot of deeper issues, more than an extra pumpkin pie, right?