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Ruby Lou
Senior Contributor

Need advice again...

Maybe you all don't like hearing about my drama at home..sorry.  My DS's girlfriend's mom won tickets to the country band weekend in Wisconsin.  She decided to give the tickets to my DS and her daughter.  That would mean that they would be staying overnight 2 nights - one in a hotel, the other at my DD's.  Girlfriend is 17, but they have been staying together a couple nights a week at her mom's.  My DH got real mad the other morning when DS didn't come home on Sunday morning when called...several times.  He said that was it, that DS wasn't going to go.  Been having problems getting him to come home when asked, not gettin off the computer when asked, girlfriend is 17 but taking college courses and not doing very well. Both had been very smart kids in high school and in the extended learning program for gifted kids.  Her mom was getting mad that the kids were taking over her house and she doesn't feel it was hers anymore.  (She is separated from husband and has a house of her own) So I get the phone call this morning that girlfriend is really mad.  I am not sure son is so mad that he isn't going, but mad that I pissed off the girlfriend!  Then he is bringing in his sister saying we were letting her get married after dating for a year and a half...actually it has been 2 years and he didn't think it would last.  His girlfriend and my future son-in-law don't get along very well.  Concerned that son is loosing interest in the farm ...girlfriend doesn't spend anytime on our farm or seem to have any interest.  Concerned for well being of both DS and his girlfriend really. Wish he would find a farm girl or one that likes tractors at least!!  But you can't pick your children's significant other.

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8 Replies
manureseller
Senior Contributor

Re: Need advice again...

First and foremost how old is your son?  I ask because 17 is still underage and if anything should happen and she gets mad at your son, crying rape could ruin his life.  I have to say I don't blame your husband for getting mad when he didn't come home or answer his phone when called.  If he is still living under your roof then he needs to respect you guys as well.  As for the little girl getting mad so be it...it is what it is.  Your daughters situation is completely different from his and has no bearing on any conversations at all and he needs to realize that.  Playing that card shows immaturity on his part and if the girlfriend and future son-in-law don't get along then I would guess she's talking to your son and putting stuff in his mind as well.

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linda/IL
Senior Contributor

Re: Need advice again...

I agree w/manureseller.  Even if it's consenual (sp?) he would be the "bad guy".  Could be a serious situation & this little gal doesn't sound too mature.  Guess I'm a prude, showing my age, but I wouldn't be able to allow this.

 

Because of his refusal to come home in a timely manner and you still being the person paying the bills, I'd say it's time to make some new ground rules.  Take it or leave it.  Hope it works out for all but that's pretty hard to do.

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turkey feather
Senior Contributor

Re: Need advice again...

This sounds like a story has more parts. I agree with the others that dealing with a minor could really cause problems for your son. I know times are different but I have an issue with mothers allowing guys to live with their underage girls. Why have they both lost interest in continuing their education? On the other hand, there are times where parents just have to stand back and see what happens depending on the age of the child.

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soilbabe
Senior Contributor

Re: Need advice again...

I wish i had a hundred dollars for every registered sex offender i have counseled who is forever labled and ostracized from a bright future whose only "crime" was sleeping with his underage girlfriend in the parents" home UNTIL they had a falling out.

Your DH has every right to be angry. I'd be laying down the law before the law takes him down.
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wt510151
Senior Contributor

Re: Need advice again...

She just doesn't have allow them to "smooch" off their finances. If he wants to be treated like an adult, maybe it's time he acts like one. Pay rent and food costs for starters. Second, why did the girlfriend's mother give the tickets to them in the first place? to gain favor over you? She should know that it will be a multi-overnight trip with a minor and adult. That just screams trouble to me.

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Kay/NC
Honored Advisor

Picking SOs

The past six months of our lives, besides dealing with our daughter's death, were an exercise in being driven mad, by war between her BF and son's GF.  Two of a kind, really, and neither one would I have picked...but, as you say, that isn't our job, dammit!  So, I feel your pain. 

 

Someone with some sense needs to sit your son down, and express the real risks he runs by being so involved with a minor girl...maybe not a big deal in all states, but it isn't called 'jail bait' for nothing.  I would suggest getting someone who knows the laws to explain them to him...as Soilbabe says, he could end up on a Sex Offender registry over a falling out.  Do you have family counsel who could speak to him? 

 

As for his defiance...part of that is natural, as he develops a separate personality.  To a point, that is.  I think many have said that if he lives under your roof, it has to be under your rules.  I would start with no stay-overs at the GF's house.  Her mom is saying she waats him out, but she hasn't got the backbone to assert her right ot privacy in her own home. 

 

He may not be as interested in the farm as you would want him to be.  Our son finally made his break, at almost 35, over this whole brouhaha in our family.  I wish he had done it 15 years ago.  We are all just slow learners, I guess.  

 

As for the kids' SOs not getting along, do not get drawn into the fray.  These drama addicts just love it when they can drag you in, too.  It is what trashy people do for fun.

 

I blame this feud partly for Jenna not taking better care of herself, since she was so upset the last six weeks of her life over it.  If I could do it all over again, I'd boot some people sooner, and let them figure it out somewhere besides on our place.  Might not change anything, but at least I woudn't have that regret hanging over me for the rest of my life....

 

 

 

 

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Ruby Lou
Senior Contributor

Re: Picking SOs

Everyones advice is wonderful...I think we have pussyfooted around DS for too long.  He asked me about the stay overs before they started and told me it was ok with her mom.  I said I didn't like them running up and down the highway at all hours of the night, but I wanted him home at a decent time in the morning.  THen it got to where he would go to his job from there.  My son is 18.  They both have their careers in mind.  She hasn't been doin well in her classes.  She is 17, graduated early from high school and started college.  I think both of them may be smart, but lack a bit of common sense...as I seem to as well. He and his dad are going away for a few days, so maybe things will calm donw and we'll see how it goes next week.  He will be starting college in a month.

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Kay/NC
Honored Advisor

Re: Picking SOs

Going away with his dad sounds like an excellent idea.  It is reallly easy to find yourself on a slippery slope with teens and young adults. 

 

I hope you guys can keep things calmed down, until he goes to school soon.  He will start to meet new people and have new interests....maybe find a new GIRLFRIEND...oh, shame on me!

 

Actually, taking a trip and standing back from all the habits and pressures of his life will give your son a literal and emotional "different perspective".  He can't see the problems inherent in his present situation, without that....good idea. 

 

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