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Senior Contributor

What would you do?

This morning my husband made a remark that embarrassed and humiliated me in front of a couple of the employees.  It is not the first time he has done such a thing.  In fact a couple of employees (not the ones from this morning) have commented to me about the way he sometimes talks to me.

I know he is under a lot of stress.  It has not been easy for him since my son left.

When the employees mentioned other incidences to me I simply down played it and kind of made of joke out of it with them.

But I find it harder and harder to tolerate.

I confronted him yesterday when he started in on a thing he always says to me, about me, which is not true.  I also didn't take it this morning when he asked me a question about something concerning the farm and then would not shut up and let me answer.   He just attacks my solution to a problem instead of listening for the information he needs.

What would you ladies do if your husband embarrassed or humiliated you?

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8 Replies
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Senior Contributor

Re: What would you do?

Most times I turn on my heel &  walk away and give the silent treatment for awhile.  Thus ambarrassing him.  My DH is similar to yours sometimes.  and I know it is the stress of the farm but still, I deserve better.  He often asks my opinion on farming decisions and when I give it, does as he thinks best anyway.  Which is as it should be as he is more involved & has done it for much longer but why should I waste my breath?

 

The other thing is that my DH is very strong willed.  I can probably give the silent treatment forever & not win out

so I guess I'm not much help here.  I admit I usually blow my stack & rip into him after so long.  Too much "hot headed Belgium" in my blood.

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Senior Contributor

Re: What would you do?

Turn around and walk away, there is no reason for him to treat you like that other then you have let him do it in the past.  My dad was the same way to my mom, sister, and brother so I saw it growing up.  I just walked away...guess I have more norweigen in me then the others.  LOL  He learned when I left him in the field.  Oops.....

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Senior Contributor

Re: What would you do?

That made me remember I have done the same thing. Left the work and walked to the house to cool off. At the very least, it makes a statement and made me feel better.

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Honored Advisor

Re: What would you do?

Being " under stress" is no excuse for abusive behavior. What you are describing to me is abusive conduct. I think the advice to walk away when he starts is probably on point...when Mike gets off-kilter, that is generslly what I do, if others are around.

Being divided in front of employees is sort of like being that way in front of your children...it just weakens your joint resolve and authority. Quite honestly, as someone else says, behind closed doors, I have been known to " rip him a new one...." N front of anyone else, he can find himself fussing at the air where I was standing

The stress he is living with he brought on himself, by being dishonest, as you explained it, about taking on your son seriously. Your son and DIL were smart not to waste any more time there. I feel you are very isolated, have no allies when things start to go sideways, especially since they left.

He sounds like he frequently needs a whipping boy, and you are it. He can only treat you that way, if you stand still and let him. Arguing in front of others gets you nowhere...but allowing yourself to be verbally and emotionally abused isn't making your life livesble, either.

One TV scene I will NEVER forget was when Edith Bunker was goingnthrough the change of life, and turned to Archie and said, " NO, Archie, YOU stifle! ". It struck me so hard because I had watched my mother, whose name is lso Edith, take rage and vitriol off my father all of my life. I wanted to stand up and cheer, also to shake my mother and say, "See? It can be done!"
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Honored Advisor

Re: What would you do?

I think that leaving someone who is essentially being a jerk to finish a job alone speaks volumes.
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Honored Advisor

Re: What would you do?

You girls mention different ethnicities...Heaven help Mike, I am mostly Scots-Irish. We can carry a grudge until the cows come home and leave again.
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Advisor

Re: What would you do?

Walk away.   If he is doing this in front of the employees you can bet they aren't enjoying it either.  

 

Back when we had fat cattle.. DH, MIL, FIL, and I were sorting market cattle.   DH was getting rammy, yelling at everyone, and just being an ___.   So,  we kicked him out of the feedlot.  Told him to come back when we were ready to load.   He didn't like it one bit.  But, he was out numbered  He just never had the patience to sort cattle.  

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Highlighted
Contributor

Re: What would you do?

This kind of behavior gets old real fast. I do not tolerate it, in front of employees, family etc. Lucky for me, my sons have my back when their dad is being difficult.  Most times I walk away, just not that important to get upset. That wall just gets HIGHER.  I would not hesitate to phone 911. He hates me with that challenge. Turns the situation on me, I am to blame for his low self esteem, ETC, ETC. OLD OLD!!!

 

Someone once commented that our situation ( relationship ) has changed, there  are no disagreements, I just DO NOT REACT.

 

 

 

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