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Honored Advisor

What would you do?

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I really need some input from my friends here...you are my trusted advisors. 

 

I had to take that BOD meeting with my family on Friday.  My attorney told me I could not delegate the duties to him or anyone else.  Daughter and Winn drove me up to Va, first doing some  errands and stopping by Jenna's house.   

 

This was so she could see what her Daddy and I have done since she visited last.   I needed her input on the RV parking layout for the horse trailers when they come in November, too.   

 

The meeting was actually very cut and dried.  We adopted a pre-written resolution of succession to the presidency, due to my father's advanced age and some potential impending medical procedures.  We discussed the upcoming mining plan, which possibly includes my farm being torn up yet again.  Actually, that is the main asset still held by the corporation...what mineral is left under those poor, tortured little ninety acres. 

 

The meeting took maybe thirty minutes, and then, before we could even adjourn, my mother began a two-hour assault on me.  I guess this was her idea of an appropriate time to tell me everything she had ever even THOUGHT I had done wrong in my entire lifetime.  Let's just say,. when your 39th anniversary is next month, it seems misplaced for your mother to lambast you for deciding to get married at nineteen. 

 

Yes, she went there...although, I did cut her off at the pass, and told her not to bring up the subject of my being a breech birth.  I have had to hear that all my life, as though it was my choice....

 

I sat and listened to every allegation and told her to ask me every question she had on her mind, and I would answer it.  All I wanted in return was for her to answer one for me:Why did she fail to send my child a birthday card for her last birthday, three weeks and three days before she died?

 

Even with my sister running interference, and trying to cast it any other way, my mother finally admitted that she had withheld Jenna's card, because of a very nasty spat between her boyfriend and her brother's girlfriend.  First, she tried to day she forgot; but, all the family birthdays were written on the calendar. 

 

My sister jumped in to say that my mother had stopped sending birthday cards: but,  my daughter asked her why there was one on the desk behind where we were sitting, then,  with my other sister's husband's name on the envdlope - his birthday is the 12th of this month - if that was so.  Then, it was that she wasn't including checks anymore....but, that wasn't the point.  So, busted, my mom admitted that she had held the card back...and then she got up, went to the desk, got the card she had withheld, and gave it to me. 

 

I know now that the card issue was the only reason I really went to their house.  Otherwise, four months after my child's passing, I would have never set myself up for this type of inquisition...I guess I knew she had it in her.  I guess I had hoped she would respect my grief, and not spill her venom all over me, or at least not so soon.

 

Silly me. 

 

It was beyond unkind - it was cruel - and I told her so.  I explained that to do what she had done was lacking in social grace and basic concern for another human being...much less, your own child....at a time of such profound loss.   

 

I can't describe what it is like to sit for two hours, and hear someone express every imagined fault you have had in your entire life..in full realization that "losing a child is the worst thing that can happen to a mother...your Aunt Lu never got over losing your cousin Mickie." 

 

Yes, it killed her...thank you for making losing Jenna so much easier for me today.   

 

When I felt she had rehashed enough ancient history, offered opinons on things she had no direct knowledge about that were solely my business, and I had even gone to the extent of offering to sell a piece of land back to my sister to shut her up (my sister never wanted the land to start with, and certainly didn't want to buy it back), I stood up and asked her if she was done.  She said that she was.

 

I gathered my things, called my daughter to leave, and went to the door.  She trailed me there, and started in again.  All I could do was double over and beg her to "Please, leave me alone and let me go home."

 

"Well, there you go, trying to make me feel bad about myself again." 

 

As I turned to escape, all I could think to say - it was an epiphany that has been waiting  58 years to happen - was, "Yes, everything is always about you." 

 

I was struck suddenly that this is really what has tormented me all my life...that it wasn't MY life, but hers.  She has truly felt entitled to control, to criticize, everything I have ever done.  I think the pain of the previous two hours was the price I had to pay,  to have this crystallize clearly for me at long last. 

 

Slow learner....

 

Here is my question:  I know I have to deal with how I feel about my mother internally, and I am doing that, but not rushing to a standpoint. One issue I do feel complled to clear up though, and I want opinions from you on, is about whether it is worth the effort. 

 

The first thing she jumped me about, and at least five times it surfaced throughout the conversation, was that I had "cussed out (her) cousin Mark, when he asked to hunt your farm." 

Every time, I asked her who told her such a ridiculous thing, but she would not say. 

 

This guy is a couple of years younger than I am, and lives at the other side of the county here in NC.  I recall exactly three conversations with him, in the eighteen years we have been here.  None of them involved him hunting on our place, and I have never cursed around him, as I know he is very devoutly religious.   

 

One involved his company hauling rock to the farrmers' market I was helping to organize at the time   The second contact was at his grandmother's funeral home visitation, when she passed.  The third time we saw each other, I was with a group of martial arts students, and we were doing a demonstration for youth at his church.    I recall that he was on the lunch line, and served me a hotdog. 

Nothing untoward, nothimg acrimonious, nothing for her to have 'heard';   however, she was sure I had cussed him out when he asked to hunt here....which he has never done.  If he had asked, I would have told him what I tell everyone:  We don't permit hunting, because there are horses and riders here,  and family members working outdoors every day of the year. 

 

The only way I can think of to clear this up is to call him, and ask him to clarify the situation for my mother, that I have never insulted him inthis manner.  I wouldn't hesitate to call him and ask; but, then, i will have stirred up muck in her family.  It is a damned if i do, damned if i don't thing. 

 

I think I should at least clear up any potential misunderstanding between him and me.  I don't think there is even remotely possibly is one, but I would apologize, if he thought I said something wrong along the way.  I guess I could do that, and not even ask him to contact my parents.  They will never believe me if he doesn't though; because, as we all know, I am a pathological liar - and I was born tailfirst. 

 

So, friends:What would you do, to clear your name of this allegation?  Or, does it even matter anymore? 

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Veteran Advisor

Re: What would you do?

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There is mean, then there is borderline evil.


Mean, is taking absolutely no consideration to someone else.


However, if she PURPOSELY set out to cause you the most pain, after losing a child, especially using your child that passed on as a pawn to cause you even MORE grief, I would say it goes beyond mean.

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Senior Contributor

Re: What would you do?

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My thoughts....let it go.  Your "family" is worth the time that you are putting into this to make something "right".  I truly don't think that anything you do will make your sperm and egg donor feel any different then they already do.  Frankly, there is a special place in the world for truly miserable individuals and this is how I see your blood relation.  I refuse to acknowledge them as your family.  It would be different if your cousin had actually asked for permission to hunt but since he didn't just let it go and do what you can to limit contact with that viperous bunch. 

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Honored Advisor

Re: What would you do?

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You just never know who has sad what for what reason. Mike suspects one sister of stirring up and miarepresenting this one, and she would be the only one in the family that I know of that has even incidental contact with this cousin. M first sentiment is that it isn't going to matter...even if Jesus stepped off the cross, and told her I was telling the truth, she would tune him out. I honestly felt I was talking to a stone the whole time yesterday. I would think It might be dementia, but there are no other signs of that, and she was just being herself, really. I am torn between vindicating myself, and saying " to Hell with it!". I have to let a lie stand unchallenged, but doubt she will believe the truth, anyway. Thanks for your input. Let's see what else we hear.
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Re: What would you do?

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WOW

If not letting a lie go unchallenged bothers you, then do what you have to find out.  I would be willing to bet the said "cousin" doesn't know a thing about it.  If so, just another piece of evidence that things are very wrong in your family.

So I'd do what ever you feel you need to do for YOUR peace of mind. 

Every body has to live with their own conscience.  If yours is clear then that is all that needs matter to you.  Your family will have to deal with their own in time.

 

There is also a part of me that would want to the next time the family is together (and for me that would only be a wedding or a funeral)   let her know just exactly what I thought of her as a mother.  Would be cleansing but  probably not the best thing to do.  It would kind of be falling to her level.

 

Probably the grown up Christian thing to do would be to act like nothing ever happened.  Do everything you always did in the same way as far as your extended family goes.  Just avoid being in the same place at the same time.

 

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Senior Contributor

Re: What would you do?

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The only thing I would do with that viper nest is to ask that cousin if he ever wanted to hunt in the first place. But also state the reasons why hunting hasn't been allowed in the past. Since that person you may still have contact with in NC, certainly wouldn't hurt. It may also clear up some misconceptions he has had with you according to the viper nest.

However your nuclear family has already disowned you with their comments, you don't need to waste time with their toxic trash.Do not to allow their toxicity affect your energy when you feel your presence is required. Try to limit their control over you. They don't need to be even acknowledged when not present.

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Re: What would you do?

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I'm sorry you had to endure that, Jerry's mother is a knothead, I don't know just what to do about her, I know what I'd like to do!  Praying for you today, M

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Veteran Contributor

Re: What would you do?

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  • I would if possible stop by and talk face-to-face with your cousin and ask if hunting/cussing about hunting had ever been an issue. I would not drag all the family toxins into that conversation other than to say you had to clear the air between you both.

 

  • I would not go back and give any results of this conversation to the Toxin Family. They are poisoned against you anyway which actually can be looked at as a relief for you. You only have to deal with them on a professional/legal basis from now on (you hopefully will not be going to any of their homes in the future?!)

 

  • I would then give this issue lots of time internally and mentally. You have dealt with the Toxin Family for many decades and some of the poison might have seeped your way. You don't want to stoop to Toxin level, but come out on the green side. 8-)

 

  • Related to the last bullet, don't be afraid to talk or counsel with someone you hold in high regard. I know for me, professional counselors would not be the ticket, but my minister would be the one (but not all ministers can be impartial or confidential). The important thing here is to "let it go" and not let yourself be eroded away at. It is THEIR problem. Yes, you will have to deal with the mining and farm issues, but that is one of your fortes. Sometimes "Duly noted" is the best response to spewing.

 

  • lastly, due to your famous position at birth, do you always have a hankering to call "tails" when flipping a coin?? 8-)
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Senior Advisor

Wouldn't this be a perfect time to sell

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Seems like a perfect time to ""sell shares"" ---what is the point if you have all of those assets in  N  C  ---  

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Senior Contributor

Re: What would you do?

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Haven't really thought too much on this before posting.  (Just got home from a long weekend)  BUT I will say I could never have taken 2 hrs of that BS from anyone-my mom included.  There is a line of respect and it seems she doesn't understand crossing over it. 

 

I might just drop the guy a line explaining if there was a problem about the hunting that he is not the exception-not to be offended as no one is allowed for your reasons of safety.  Then let it go.

 

I would truly think about selling the shares.  Otherwise, I'd only have contact when I had to for the minimal amount of time.  Leave after business is conducted. 

 

Down deep I'm sure  you're hurt by your family; anyone would be.  But somehow you've risen above them and matured into a better, more successful  person than any of them.   Keep that in mind to pull out when you're low.

They don't deserve the time to think about the ruckess. 

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Honored Advisor

Re: What would you do?

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To answer your last question first, I have always been something of a contrarian, inters of decision making...not contrary, as in difficult, but more like going against the flow. We would hold back gilts when hogs were lw, and other producers were liquidating, for example. Carried us pretty far...don't call many coin tosses. I decded to call the cousin, and left a message. He called me back while we were at Jenna's working, and we had a good, LONG talk. He said he had never askd to hunt our place, and we had never had cross words, much less cuss words, for each other. He offered to call my parents and clarify that someone had seriously misled them, if they had told them otherwise. I thanked him, and have now let it go. That ball is in her court now, if it is even still in play. I have a document to copy, showing that another of.her allegations was totally false. I am going to wait and see if I receive any sort of an apology for this first one. Believe me, I am NOT holding my breath. It will be interesting to see if she can admit that she was wrong, though. It also means that her source - whoever it is - is a proven liar now. I am processing the whole event. It was devastating as it occurred, but I refuse to let it crush my spirits. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? Have built our first fire of the season at our getaway, and had a nice cozy time, after our chores were done. On the way to NC now, then back again tomorrow evening, to spend the night...hopefully not alone. She can kiss the first part of me that arrived....
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