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Senior Contributor

caregiver needs care

Well I got myself in a fine mess. Been putting off this knee/ back issue too long. Overdid yesterday walking, trying to get back on a fitness program and then went to mom's & made too many trips up/down the stairs. I had been to the chiropractor, went again today but too little too late I fear. DB tried to push the apartment we looked at then I took her again. Now her colitis is acting up & I need to go there & redo medications plus take her to Dr. Next week. That is if I can walk! She doesn't know my condition; she will feel bad. Bottom line- guess I'm not wonder woman like I think. Hosted 2 family dinners, worked with DB carrying stuff out of her basement, took her shopping, and then fiasco yesterday. Along with this her stress of deciding whether to move. We may soon both need a keeper.
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7 Replies
Senior Contributor

Re: caregiver needs care

We all have our limits for stress. I hope you soon feel better. Maybe your Mom needs to know you do have limits of energy?

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Honored Advisor

Re: caregiver needs care

Linda, it has to happen, sooner or later. When you overdo your own activities, then pile Mom's on top, often unexpectedly, something has to give.

Maybe it is time to be completely honest with her about your own issues with stamina and mobility. You shouldn't be doing loads up and down stairs...it is time to delegate to the men, or hire some teenagers. We bump some extra pay to our farm employees who want extra work. Ours now wants it, the last couple of them did as little as they could get by with, which should have been our cue to fire them sooner.

We will keep hiring people for some chores as long as we can afford to, and it doesn't make me feel the least bit guilty. Just because we " can" do them does not mean we " should" anymore.
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Veteran Contributor

Re: caregiver needs care

This reminds me of the airline instructions they give you during pre-flight ---telling you to take care of yourself first (with the oxygen mask) and then the one's you love.  You need to take care of yourself first if you hope to be effective or even available to take care of her.  That's not selfish.  It's just common sense.   Hire some of her needs done, or some of your chores done, especially the ones that wear you down physically.  You can still be there to support her emotionally.  You can help her with her journey, but you don't need to be trodden down in the process. 

Advisor

Re: caregiver needs care

Linda,   Your mom needs to know  that you can not physically handle all her wants anymore.   She is depending on you for her every need, want and whim  right now.   She will "feel bad".  She needs to feel bad.   Winter is coming... She needs a push.  

Will she be living in a town with  shopping?    She can take a cab  or maybe a city/town transportation to go shopping.    I've noticed during the last 2 years  that the assisted living facility  is usually a little low on residents right now.   But,  during  the next 3 months  they start to move in with the threat of being stuck at home alone with winter's cold and ice  becoming a reality.    Hard to think about with the weather of the last 3 days.

Yesterday my MIL  had an eye Dr.  appointment.   She thought she should cancel due to the HEAT!.   She kept  thinking if schools were letting out early that it must be unsafe for a Dr. trip.  

Senior Contributor

Re: caregiver needs care

Another benefit of assisted living is that they usually have a van and driver for doctor appointments, meds can be delivered by pharmacy, beautician is in the building and there is usually some activity going on that she could be involved in.

 

I also think you should tell you mother how stressed you are and about you health issues. We all have to make adjustments as we age. At some point there are no options left. As I am seeing it those of us who have done the hard physical work just do not get off easily without very good genes.

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Honored Advisor

Re: caregiver needs care

Your point about winter weather driving people into assisted living is quite apt. MIL had risen to the top of the waiting list at her chosen home. She passed once. Thinking she stayed at the top until she chose to move in...not so. They dropped her to the bottom, and started placing later applicants.

Thatforced her to stick it out alone at the remote mile down a dirt lane little house, with a bad snowstorm that winter. Se had to bring wood up several steps, had no well water for a while. It was NOT good, but it did really motivate her. She moved in the next summer...I think SIL pushed the point or something, that she didn't grasp that her chance was pushed to the bottom.

Anyway, I would bring up the point of having more choices this time of year, before the cold weather.. She would have more options, better chance toick the place she really wants. It would be so ,uch easier to load furnishings and personal belongings in nice fall days, than in a couple of feet of snow, too.
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Senior Contributor

Re: caregiver needs care

Went to chiro testerday & I 'm a little better but decided to go to the medical Dr today as I know it has more problems. Had an x-ray but Dr suspects I will need knee replacement soon. Right now I just want to get well enough to go on our trip. Hopefully the orthepedic Dr will give a shot that will help.
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