decision making methods?

[dairy mom]

Usually when I have an importan decision to make I might make lists of pros and cons.  A useful tool

But I can't figure out what to do when there is one overwhelming con.

[Kay/NC]

I know you probably get tired of me quoting Dr. phil here, butbhe has a habit of calling some problems " dealbreakers". In one example, he would say any violence against a woman by a man is a dealbreaker, as in " end the relationship".

Maybe the " overwhelming con" is actually a dealbreaker, too. If it is something that imply cannot be forgiven or ignored, then nothing else in the balance could possibly outweigh it.

Possible?

[turkey feather]

I have found making such a list can be very helpful. Writing the pros and cons on paper gives you a good prospective. Maybe you have your answer.

[Kay/NC]

I get what she means, though. Not every pro and every con carry the same weight. It isn't always as simple as a score of 5 to 3, when one or two issues are way more influential than the rest.

[dairy mom]

OK I am going to throw this out here and probably really shock most of you.                                                                                             I have been diagnosed with stage 2 COPD.  It does not really interfere with my life at this point.  Maybe a little harder carrying heavy things and I move much slower at all times than I use to.  Pretty much if it was run or die it would be die for me.

So it is quit smoking or get worse.  Course it is get worse no matter what.  Lungs do not heal themselves in any way.

So crazy as it sounds here is my dilemma.  Rocky relationship with husband.  It has always been this way.  I think early on I was so enamored I didn't see the poor way he treats me.  Then I was just too busy with kids to have the time to take offense at all the little things he does each and every day to belittle me and make me feed bad.   Probably 10 years ago I "woke" up to what was going on and went through a terrible depression that was really hard on my kids.  Some of them really resent the approximately 18 months I barely functioned before I finally pulled myself up on my own and got back in the swing of things.

Cannot leave the marriage.  Had one child tell me that if I did they would never speak to me again.

So what is the decision I am trying to make.  Do I go through the effort of quitting and maybe  prolong my life, maybe with questionable quality, or do I just keep this nasty habit that is killing me, but that I do enjoy most of the time, and not prolong the time spent in this less than satisfying marriage?

[Kay/NC]

First, let me say that I am sorry to hear that you health is this much compromised.
Second, there are a lot of things that occur to me to say, that you have already factored in and ruled out, for reasons that matter to you, and I would never judge those decisions.

Third and last, I would, given what you have said, do the best I could to get as healthy as I possibly could, so I had a better chance of outliving the SOB.

There is more than one way to escape a bully.

[Suey73]

Dear Mom,    I think several of us have known that for several years  we might get hit with someone needing help. 

First,  I don't  think I would be good person to ask for advice but  I do love Kay's advice.    You are going to need to be healthy to take him on.    Get medical help to  get you through this.   I have heard from my BIL  that Chantix  has really bad side effects.   He had to get off it.    But,  I'd hope that  the patch could help you.    My mom was a smoker for over 60 years.    She quit when she decided it was too expensive.   And I mean just quit.   Of course she didn't have to worry about anything but herself.   So,  it can be done.  Quit out of spite  if that would motiviate you.   Find your motivation and reason to quit.   Grandchildren are a whate of a motivator!  

Does HE  know about your health condition?    If he cares he'd probably agree to a reduction in chores, responsiblities,  and maybe cow numbers.    If he doesn't  care  then I guess you have your answer.   I believe you have 5 children  4 our of 5  could be worth it. 

We have several online who have left bad relationships here.    They will be able to provide you great advice.    If that dairy and the  farm have a positive net worth.... I know that I could live pretty good on 1/2 of our assets. 

I will remember you in my prayers for health,  and help in making a decision.    Ag. Women  Love,  Suey

[linda/IL]

D'mom, sure hate to hear this.  My dad was a smoker and quit 3 times and finally was able to kick the habit last time.

Hate to say this, but the stress of living with my mom's demanding nature probably didn't help.  The smoking was a stress alternative.  Some of your posts suggest this may be an issue in your life too.  But he DID quit although not soon enough as lung cancer was already there. 

Your DH (and I loosely put in the D) doesn't sound like he will be very sympathetic to your health issues.  Perhaps your kids could intervene there?  Maybe you could sound the 4 out on their opinions of your situation.  At any rate, I agree with other posts that you should try & take care of yourself first & foremost.  Get some counseling for your personal issues of the marriage & also the health issues.  Your kids & grandkids deserve to have you for as long as possible.  Even if the dairy isn't in the best shape, just threatening to break it up might make him open his eyes.   I'll be praying for you.  Can't imagine you having this & having the workload that I know comes with dairying. 

[wt510151]

It also sounds like the one child that is antidivorce is picking up the bad habit of the father. Sometimes you wonder if it would have been better getting out early, but this is now. I'd say divorce the SOB if every avenue to prevent it is tried and fails. Sometimes you have to love yourself first and quit being a martyr for someone else's benefit. Either that you'll be pushed to the brink once and start trying to push him closer to the end yourself. Seen too many news stories of women doing that lately in this state. Even a separation may be better than the status quo, especially for you health. Please accept my best wishes for a decision that you can live with.

[Kay/NC]

The relaxing/stress reduction aspect of smoking is actually that you tend to take slow, deep breaths while you are taking in the smoke. Nicotine is a stimulant, so wouldn't calm you as a drug.

That gives you some idea of the kind of activity that will help with quitting. I was a very heavy smoker, and found the only way to quit was cold turkey. I did that when we decided to tart our family, and stayed off of tobacco for several years.

Going back to teaching caused me to pick it up again, and using the patch made the quitting decision easier the second time, which stuck. The closest thing o the breathing for relaxation I have done is the Chi gong work we do in martial arts. Yoga would be a less strenuous option.

Choosing to die from lung disease is a very sad choice. I cannot imagine what it would be like to struggle for every breath. Maybe asking for more information about what lies ahead, if quitting seems insurmountable, will make it a more informed decision. .

It is miserable to watch people in later stages of where DM is now. I wish I had a magical power, to make anyone who smokes be able to choose to quit.