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linda/IL
Senior Contributor

passwords, etc.

I am so sick of dealing with the online bank my mom does business with.  I KNOW these changes are for our security, but I called last week & had them help me after they changed everything.  Sent me a password 3 different times.  Today I tried the one I chose & guess what.  It won't work.  Almost 5 o'clock & I'm sure I'll get no help now plus I'm so stinking short on patience I could scream.  Trying to work with my mom on new appointments & she goes round & round.  She went to get her glasses at Walmart & came home without ordering so that I can OK it.  I do not, I repeat do not need anymore issues to OK.

 

She gave her credit card over the phone to a Penneys associate to straighten out a bill several months ago.  (another one of her returns)  She has been getting billed without the credit everymonth.  I was trying to get into her account to see if it was actually debited so I didn't have to go into town to her house & look at the statements. 

 

DH & I stopped to get a replacement for his cell phone which shuts off on it's own.  The new style has a ringer I know he won't hear outside.  (I suggested he get the heavy duty model, but no go)  So I'll probably be going back for that too.  Why can't I have one day that is calm?  Is it me?  Thank God the landline got fixed today after 2 wks. of crackling so bad it was unuseable.  Going to go dig in the dirt awhile for therapy.

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19 Replies
Kay/NC
Honored Advisor

Re: passwords, etc.

Linda, I hope it lets up soon. I have started trying (notice I said TRYING) to make people deal with their own bad decisions. The phone one for your DH is an example. I stay out of that stuff with Mike now, and if it is a wrong choice, he has to go and stand in line and gripe to fix it.

It finally dawned on me a while back, that if I keep solving everyone else's problems for them, they have no incentive to stop creating new ones. It takes a lot of willpower not to step in and be the superhero, but we all need to grow up and fight our own battles someday, don't we?

For me, it is giving up a lot of control, and that is difficult. One other aspect we are working out dynamics on is that if you want something done your way, Honey, do it yourself. That is a control thing, too.

Your comment about having to OK-ing everything, and not needing to weigh in on it all, really resonates. Several.months ago, I bought a cute bronze statue of a cat balancing a fishbowl on its up-stretched paws, at my young friend's secondhand shop. She had one of her aunt's very much like it for sale.

She asked me ho I liked having the fishbowl and peace lily set up in it, because I had asked her how to do that when I bought it last year. I laughed, and told her I had set it in Jenna's garden, and substituted a steel gazing ball for the bowl. She said that sounded very pretty...and it is...that she would have never thought to do that.

I had to admit that I had to face the fact that I wasn't up to adding so much as the responsibility for a single goldfish to my life right now. If you could see the floor of my bird's cage, you would agree...can't wait until he can move to the porch for the summer.

I am not up to screaming today. Just want to sleep late tomorrow! Needed a nap I didn't get all weekend, and again today am fighting to stay awake.

On the phone thing....usually, you have 30 days to exchange a mistake with my carrier. Maybe yours will forgive him, if he repents in time.
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Ruby Lou
Senior Contributor

Re: passwords, etc.

My husband's phone must be 10 years old.  he won't give it up.  I was even going to try to switch it to a differant phone, same model, just one my daughter didn't use much when we had that type of phone.  Take you mom's credit cards, any paperwork that may have the numbers on it, her check book and any checks away from her.  Sounds like she could get in trouble with it.  also get your name on the checking account so you can sign checks.  I know if my MIL had any acsess to her acount numbers, we would be in a heck of trouble....again!  When we took over her checking account and credit cards, she had over $8,000 racked up on her credit cards and didn't know why.  I wish my mom would let us take care of here stuff, but we only write out her checks and she scratches her name.  She can't write worth a hoot.  She is pretty secretive about everything.  I think it is because her and one of my brother's are in ca hoots!  (the one that can do no wrong!). One of my sister's is updating mom's computer and noticed that the book work wasn't updated, so she is going to try to get that done...I bet some .....hits the fan.

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turkey feather
Senior Contributor

Re: passwords, etc.

Linda I have probably said this before but does your mother have any idea of what you deal with at home? She needs to know. Or maybe it does not make any difference. My DM never wanted to put anyone out.

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linda/IL
Senior Contributor

Re: passwords, etc.

Yes, she does know that I deal with quite a bit of stress in my life.  She just left, leaving me her statements & as much as she can document.  She offered to try to straighten it out herself; why would we do that, it hasn't worked for the last 4 months?  She can keep most of her stuff straight but doesn't keep up her checkbook.  I keep an eye on it online-when I can get on!!

 

Today I'm just shot.  Mostly from her issues.  She called at lunch saying she'd be out & also needed to talk to me about DB's phone call last night, that it wasn't good.  So I stewed about what was going on until she came out 3 hrs. later.  I figured he fessed up to his financial situation but it was about his girlfriend's daughter and BF.  She is a lost soul that her mom (DB's girlfriend) is trying to save.  DB may be splitting & I have no clue where he'll land.  I can't do anything about that but I'm not sure if my wrist nerves are vibrating or if it's just me.  I probably should go for a walk & try & calm down but I also need to garden & pick asparagus and not enough time for it all. 

 

Will take mom for her ultrasound tomorrow morning.  She probably could go alone but I'd be worrying.  On top of it all DS is throwing his bad mood around.  I would love to run away to a new life.

 

Oh, brought the cell phone home after they put it on vibrate & a louder ring tone but it's still not what he needs so I'll stop after mom's test tomorrow.  We only have 3 days to change without any charges.

 

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Kay/NC
Honored Advisor

Re: passwords, etc.

At some point, you are being upset by her being upset over people who are not even related to you...a girlfriend's lost cause daughter? I am thinking back to our " not enough time and energy left to squeeze in as much as a goldfish" thread here.

Honestly, most people with any sense do not share bad news, unless they are angling for money, usually, or some other significant assistance. Watch her accounts very closely..

If someone cannot manage a particular financial instrument, they need to give it up to someone who can. She cannot get in trouble with something she has no real access to anymore...either agree with her to limit her funds in the checking account she uses, or let her pay in cash where she needs to pay for goods and services.

Honest to Betsy, any man who picks the wrong phone, against your best advice, needs to make his own return and exchange trips. I will not do that stuff for Mike anymore...his time is no more precious or valuable than yours is.

I sat in and watched/listened while he picked his last pair of new eyeglasses, as the girl he saw on his own the last time sold him some cheap crap that came in with bent frames twice. When we went back together, we waited for my optician, Crystal, and he got excellent service. She knows we can afford good quality frames and lenses, and fitted him with some that fit right and will hold up. I asked one question in the thirty minutes the fitting took, and he thanked me for reminding him,

I hope her ultrasound goes well tomorrow. I would not get but so involved in a stranger's drama.

You just must not know or utilize the fine art of breaking bad...sometimes, everyone else needs a taste of what they dish out to you. Again, this may be the only way they get the point.
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manureseller
Senior Contributor

Re: passwords, etc.

I've taken to writing down all the passwords in a notebook that I keep in my purse because I forget all the time.  We use a few standard but it's the darn Capital letter, lower case letter, and number combination that always screws me up.  As for cell phones I just go and buy Todd a new one when he is ready...I don't give him an option because I know what the stress will be on that.  Lately I've been reminding him to get in and get fingerprinted for his concealed weapons permit but told him last night I was done with reminding him.  He can take an hour to go do it since he's in Grand Forks anyways.  I got mine all taken care of in 2 days of errands so he should be able to figure it out.  All I hear is how busy he is but guess what...so am I but that's a whole different post.

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Kay/NC
Honored Advisor

Re: passwords, etc.

It is kind of - but not really - a joke between us that Mike quit cutting his hair, because I couldn't take into town without him. He has always been terrible about sending me to d everything but his dental and eye appointments.

I am making a conscious effort, since we lost Jenna so unexpectedly, of having him do some banking, grocery shopping, etc., regularly, so he won't be totally lost, if there isn't time for us to prepare for my passing. I hand him detailed lists of banking, grocery and other errands to run, while I take a TKD class now. That and the Ugly Orange Binder are my way of making him ready to manage alone.

I have one small pad of passwords that he needs to have, and need to be sure they are updated and more legible. Thanks for the reminder.
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Jim Meade / Iowa City
Senior Advisor

Re: passwords, etc.

Passwords are a headache.l

Here is a link on this site wtih a discussion on passwords that might help.

http://community.agriculture.com/t5/Computers-more/Good-Internet-Passwords/td-p/330901

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Ruby Lou
Senior Contributor

Re: passwords, etc.

Linda, have you ridden with your mom when she drives? Is she safe?  Is it time to take away the keys? What does the doctor think?  We finally took mom to get her license renewed and they are the ones that said no, she could not get it.  As far as banking, why an online bank?  sounds fishy to me. Can you move her money to your bank so you can do all the banking at one place?  Don't mean to be "mean" but look through her billfold/purse sometime she isn't aware and see what is stashed in there...If you end up taking over the checkbook and take away the credit cards, you want to be sure she doesn't have access to a check or a credit card number.  Also close any credit cards that aren't used and try to close the one you are having problems with.  My husband has gone to ignoring some of the phone calls from his mom because we know she will either get "over it" or we will decide we need to address the situation.  They can certainly get needy.  Last night I was mowing and she had to be right where I was mowing...she was digging dandelions!  Had a whole grocery bag full of them.  Even when I came to the last row where she was working, I had to yell Beep, Beep so she would get out of my way....she seemed startled so she wasn't even paying attention to what i was doing!  Needless to say, I wasn't happy.  Huge yard 2 plus hour mowing and she is out digging dandelions....go in your house and get out of my way!!!!

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