perspective

[linda/IL]

WT, you are so right about trivial things.  After I posted last, I went out for a fast walk.  Got a text from DIL.  If you remember I mentioned the 50 yr. old man from our church who had a blood clot go to his heart & died immediately-it was right after Thanksgiving & was a large funeral that I was chairman of.  Well yesterday his younger sister passed away.  She had not taken care of her diabetes and lost part of her leg 3 wks. ago and never really recovered from that surgery.  This poor mother has lost 2 of her 5 children plus another in infancy plus her husband from cancer around 10 yrs. ago.  2 in 4 months.  What a horrible weight to bear.  She did get to say her goodbyes to this daughter unlike the son.  But my heart goes out to her and our priest has had so many funerals since coming here.  Thankfully there will be a joyous wedding soon.  That will be a blessed event.

Certainly makes you take stock of all the trivialities in life.

[Kay/NC]

Well, since I posted about the triviality of turning older, maybe I need to explain why. Twice in the last four days, I have driven myself to my deceased child's house, all alone. I spent more time driving than being there, but I just had to go. I just have to.

I cried all the way there on Thursday. Today, I ran out about the state line. One thing I have learned in the past two years is that you can dehydrate yourself enough to dry your tears, if nothing else does the trick.

My husband has not been able to leave this stinking farm further than a half - hour's drive for ten days now, since one lousy electrical system failed, leaving us with twelve thousand animals at risk of no backup power, unless he is here to manually throw a switch if an alarm call arrives. I have been basically paying an electrician fulltime, to first misdiagnose the wrong $5000 part as the problem, then to have Mike figure out it was something else entirely. Still, I will be writing a fat check to this guy in a day or two. If the right parts ever arrive.

Today, to make things even better, we realized a water pump is failing to one third of the farm. $$$$$$!!!!!

There are other things happening in our lives that have me very worried about our future. The worst disease to ever hit the American swine herd is creeping closer to our farm every day. We are dealing with totally new, totally foreign ownership of the pigs we raise, and that in and of itself is very disconcerting.

My own health has gone to hell in a hand-basket since 2012. I get up every morning, and look into the eyes of the only other person I know whose heart is as as broken as my own. It really is hard to get through some days, but I try to find something humorous or at least distracting, just to get me through.

Ninety - five percent of the time, I can discipline myself to pouring out the really negative thoughts in my journals. I try to post stuff here that might start a fun discussion. Sometimes, I succeed, sometimes I fail...but, at least I try. Now you know why.

Honestly, friends, you couldn't handle what I really feel. You really couldn't.

[Suey73]

Yikes,  water system down.    Proabably about 30 years ago when we started expanding the hog herd,  we realized we were playing with fire  so we have 2 wells on our farm.    The plan is to have our  house provide for the nursery,and farrowing house and the other house supplied the feedlots,  and finsihing bldgs.    But,  if either system went down a turn of a valve and everything would have water.    However,  running powerwashers could be difficult.    It has paid off numerous times.   Last year at Easter we did not have to bother the plumber.    Plus,  he always knew that we were not an emergency.   

Our generator is PTO  so it is vital that we never be gone too far for many years now.    We do have a sensaphone that will call so we can get home ASAP if power goes off.   We've also enlisted some friends and neighbors who will come out and at least open doors till we can get home if heat and air should be a problem.    I've told people at church I don't turn off my phone.   If my phone says that HOME is calling... it is the equivalent of God calling  to say the power is off.  

I'm sorry that you are still suffering Kay.  What is important that you do know it  and have been trying to keep yourself busy and occupied.   And of course you have Winn. 

I've noticed your desire to start conversations.  Too often I've just not felt the desire to join in. 

This past week I've wasted time watching my  "brackets" fall apart.   I still have 7 of my elite eight and all final four picks.    Not too bad for someone with no dish and probably only saw parts of 5 games this past season.   Tom is hauling manure this morning with the ground frozen enough to hold.   Is spring EVER going to show up?

[turkey feather]

Kay I am saddened to hear that your grief is still so raw. I wish we could all be there with you for a day and have a good visit. I have thought these past few days when there was nothing new on this site that it won't continue without your questions. I really hope that does not happen as I find this a valuable resource and outlet. I think is warmer weather ever arrives it will help.

I think the stress level in this country is at a very high level. There is so much going on in addition to personal problems. which we all deal with every day. The missing plane, the weather, high fuel and heating and electric bills..it could be a very long list.

[linda/IL]

Kay, I'm so sorry that this post seemed to be aimed at you.  It was not.  Actually it was me (& my mom).  Me-while walking this text came in.  Walking for a) health b)trying to lose weight (gotten to the highest ever) c) vanity.  Yup, I admit it.  Clothes don't fit, look terrible in them, and do not want to go buy the biggest size I've ever seen.

My mom for being fixated (and I do mean fixated) on such nit picky, trivial things.  Yesterday I had to get up off the couch from a very needed nap to go in because she swore the crockpot I borrowed for the church dinner (but stayed in the car; didn't need it) was not hers.  I'd heard this song & dance about the crockpot several times during the week.  She could not let it go sitting in the den until I came up next time.  Had to get it put away.  Said the (new) carrier was an antique trash that was not hers.  (came as a set, she never uses)  And the pants she bought wrinkle.  So no rest for the wicked. (me)   

And I'm sorry to say I'm having a terrible time being patient with taking her shopping EVERY week to the mall to find clothes.  She's short & can't find tops that don't hang past her butt.  And this is her enjoyable, social outing, talking to everybody.  She really enjoys it.  I would enjoy a stiff drink during this but she needs me for a "personal assistant".  Car is in the shop & I'm still telling her to give up the keys willingly, please.

I need to get tough in a kind way.  Is there such a thing? 

We lost a large calf DH invested in and another is not doing well & just called the vet.  I'm not doing well with the stress of no milk check & investing in livestock with the threat of disease that could wipe us out.  So I definitely can understand, Kay.  The water situation sounds terrible.  Such a vital part of any operation.  Sorry again.

[Kay/NC]

It just seems that the closer we get to thesecond- year mark of her passing, the worse it gets. Being stuck here for weeks on end, first due to weather and now with this stinking electrical system, now complicated by the pump problem, has not helped at all.

My trainer asked me last week if it ever gets " easier". I tried to explain to her that it does not...like any chronic pain, you just learn to live with it, better some days than others.

Right now, I am not coping well at all, and Mike is in his own little world...he disappears into the woods to cut down trees. We had nine years's worth of wood in a barn before he started gaining on the situation with his big new splitter.

Now, he has started another stash of firewood right under the yard shed where I have to walk past to the office and our pool. Can you say "copperhead condo"? I finally realized his next goal was to pile thst entire space to the eaves...last night, he got the word to move it, or I am gone. The snakes here are bad enough when you can see them, without building them a harbor right by your door.

I get that this is his coping mechanism. He has a similar stash growing on his place...there are several old buildings there, and he's started stashing in more than one of them. I will have to put my foot down there, too.

I am giving this electrician until tomorrow, then will find someone else. The guys are troubleshooting the pump now. Here comes my little boy!

[Ruby Lou]

Kay, I am so sorry you are still struggling everyday.  Apparently Mike is coping with cutting wood, but when you have no more trees to cut, then what will he do!  It is hard when there are no answers.  I am finally coping better with the loss of my co-worker.  i had a good talk with one of the other gals and it helped me to at least get rid of one of the demons that was bothering me about the situation.  It was still a senseless ordeal.  My work will ramp up here with taking on most of her work.  I am not sure the boss is going to hire someone to replace her.  Such sudden death leaves us empty.  If we had answers, it may ease the pain.  May you find peace in future.

[linda/IL]

Kay, I had to get out for chores & failed to address your loss.  I read not long ago on a blog how you expect to lose a parent before your time, there is the term widow or widower to describe losing your spouse which is devastating.

But there is no title for a parent who has lost a child.  Nothing to tell the loss which I can't imagine.  Especially when there is a sudden, unexpected death with no personal closure.    My son's neighbor lost both their teenage sons in a car accident and they were understandibly never the same people. I simply can't imagine the heartbreak.

I hope with the joy of Winn and time you can find your way to some kind of peace.

[wt51015]

Kay, first of all, I do still believe in Suze Orman's thoughts of people first, then money, then things. So all the things associated with the hog farm you can't control , so don't allow them such a hold on your soul. You have enough savings just in case no pigs come, right? Remember you won't have the expenses either. Secondly, no matter how strong you believe you are, you are going through grief that no parent should go through. Don't forget that there are resources for mental counseling. They are the experts that may give you more insight than any of us on this board have. Also don't forget that there people who have walked in your shoes, contact them if you don't feel you need counseling. 

[Kay/NC]

Counseling in my observation of it is worthless most times.  I have seen so much BS out of people who are supposed to be trained psychologists.  The last one I took a course under admitted in teh introduction to her class that she was hiding several dozen pairs fo shoes from here husband in the trunk of her car, and her nine-year-old daughter still slept with her.  She had a Ph.D.   It should have been printed with disappearing ink. 

Want to hear the one about the big motivational speaker we had to sit through countless in-service hours listening to when I taught school?  He hanged himself in his garage with an extension cord.  Most of that type are searching for answers to their own problems. 

These issues on the farm wouldn't cost us our contract.  They are being addressed as quickly as humanly possible.  We are ranked as the "safest farm in the system for the animals", according to past brass.  We take their welfare so seriously, which is why anything being a problem for them is upsetting to us. 

As for money: How much is "enough"?  We can live a long time on what we've saved, but it is pretty hard to say you would be hunky-dory having to lay off your own child, and both of us essentially being thrown into the street at the same time. 

No, we wouldn't be okay if there were no more pigs, because we'd still have the vast majority of the expenses, and two pretty wornout bodies to try to pay them with...frankly, I do not know how it could be done.  Can you quit today and say you can afford life in 2054, dragging taxes and other responsibilities for 750 acres and everything built on them along on your heels? 

Mike's mom will be 100 in July...how do you provide for yourselves for 40 years (perhaps longer)with no farm income, if you are a farmer?  We are still supporting her, too. 

All that said, that is all only money...still, a ten-grand week of repairs and counting makes me cringe, that 's all I was saying. 

I would give it all up to have my baby back.