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Advisor

Re: "No." is a complete sentence.

On that little voice that says to accomplish something.....my little voice used to say, "Someday I want to...."  Now the little voice is demanding, " DO IT NOW!"......I used to think I had a lifetime before me to do some things and I am beginning to realize that I am on the other side of half way through my life....have probably been for a while..

 

I am beginning to see changes in my body that simply will not allow me to do what I used to do easily just five years ago....It is scary.  I see more urgency in needing to say no to others.  There are so many hours in the day and the clock is ticking...

 

There is a song in the Broadway musical Rent that speaks to 925,600 minutes....that is the average number of minutes a person is here on earth.....

 

Take a third of those for sleeping and a third of them for working/school and see what you have left.  What I am struggling with is the balance between doing what I want to do and doing what I have to do.  Doing what I am obligated to do and doing what is the right thing to do even when I don't want to....Doing what others expect of me and doing what makes me happy. 

 

My mom is the ultimate martyr....I was basically raised to be a martyr....martyr yourself to your husband and your kids and your house and your job and your community and church...and MAYBE when your kids are grown up and gone and you become widowed you can have the last little bit of life for yourself!

 

Let's just say that I am rethinking that one!  LOLOL

 

But back to the accomplishing something....I think that some people naturally have a wide variety of disparate interests and talents and a natural curiosity and desire to try things and to be successful at that.  For some it might be hobblies, some might try different careers, some might move to different places or be lifelong learners of new skills or subjects. 

 

I am not sure that it is a lack of contentment with where one is as much as it is a gusto for life. 

 

 I only think it becomes a problem when a person keeps seeking happiness by jumping from one thing to the next without the resulting sense of satisfaction. 

 

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Re: "No." is a complete sentence.

Actually I get that response from DH too and I view it as laying on a guilt trip to manipulate (is that too strong a word here?) me into doing something I don't want to do.

 

The fact that I did my own thing the other day, does not mean that I am that strong in most situations.  In fact it is the opposite which is why I made this original post. 

 

I guess I am a work in progress in this area...LOLOLOL

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Senior Contributor

Re:the ultimate martyr

You made a good point. When we do things for others that we don't want to do, we're martyrs, when we don't, we're ... well you get my point. If men acted the same, they are either strong or flexible. Why is there this double standard between men and women for their actions? Are we thought of as extensions of the men in our lives? When you mentioned what your mom said, I thought to myself, why would any woman want to get married if they are sentenced to this kind of life? The old cliche of married men getting the ball and chain may be correct, but it seems like we got the job of carrying it for them!

Advisor

Re: "No." is a complete sentence.

Manipulate, cajole, coerce...there are shades of whatever you want to read into or take away from any discussion of that sort.  It may depend as much on how you teceive the message as it does how it was sent?!?

I had a road trip this afternoon, takign my turck throught car wash in town to get the winters' cost of muid removed, getting some food together for a shower this coming weekend and such, and thus had time to think about this and other conversations I've had of late.  I finally realized that accomplish was my mother's verb, as in the litany of her day every nignt that began, "I acconmplished ____ today."

I suppose that elevated every task to the level of an accomplishment.  Sounds so much more important than, "This is what I did today."  We had a constant pressure to perform, and I think this may be where the voice is coming from, the residual influence of all the suppertables of my childhood. 

I had a sort of epiphany about the difference between what one wishes to BE and what one wishes to DO...that being and doing are not the same act or the same state of mind.  Working on this one...

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Re: Re:the ultimate martyr

It is an odd  point in a way...if they were invited wthout us, we'd be mad as wet hens, and say they should not go without us;.if we aren't welcome.   

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Re: Re:the ultimate martyr

True...can't argue with that one....LOLOLOL

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Frequent Contributor

Re: "No." is a complete sentence.

No is a complete sentence.  I was never taught to say that but  to answer yes to everything.  It got me into a lot of trouble.  If you say no to everything you become a naysayer no one trusts to be open minded.

 

I am a what if or maybe kind of guy when you really need to say yes or no.

 

There is often no easy answer to that so the prhase "let me sleep on it" became popular.  I have used that in success on big purchases or other decisions.  It doesn't work sometimes on a marriage partner, they expect a response right now.

 

You needn't feel guilty about your decision not to go, it was never meant or expected.  But I know that feeling, I have it too when you want to go shopping for antiques or whatever when I really don't want to go.  We usually meet in the middle where we are supposed to be.  I am saying this for all readers, not just my wife.  I think many of you said yes when you really should have said no, though.

 

This is another really good thread and I see the viewpoint of all the posters and say kudo to all of you.

 

I will get off your page now and leave you fine ladies alone but you make more sense than Crop Talk and a lot of other forums.

 

I just like to participate.

 

Ed Winkle

 

 

 

 

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Advisor

Re: "No." is a complete sentence.

Very well said, Ed!

I developed a habit of answering people in a particular way while we were building this farm.  I would look some pushy salesman in hte face and say, "I will treat you exactly the way i treat my three teenaged children, and I adore them.  Right now, the answer is "No."  Now, if you can give me enough real information to change my mind, then the answer might get to be "Yes."  It's up to you."   

That put the ball into their court,which took the true pressure off of me.  It bought me time to consider each offer and required more of the sales rep, rather than of me.  That was especially important then, since my hair was on fire most days for that year or so. 

This policy saved us a whole lot of money, too.  I still use it when the occasion calls for it. 

People rarely want you to think it over, if their point is to get you to comply with their needs, rather than your own.  I like dealing with people who say, "Please consider my proposal/offer/request." 

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Senior Contributor

Re: "No." is a complete sentence.

Saying NO is hard. I'm still trying to get there and help my husband get there, too. He's getting better at it because of having to deal with his mom and with the lawyer, hospitals, etc., since his sister's accident. That kind of thing will put your priorities in line pretty quickly. 

 

For me, the biggest thing is I'm always asked to volunteer at things for the school. I always go and help out with parties for the kids' classes, because I LOVE doing that. I'm constantly being nagged to join the Partners in Education (like PTA) group, though, and I just won't do it. I've had to say no 100 times. I feel like my contribution to the children in our community is in leading the Cub Scouts, and my husband's is in coaching baseball. I'm just not willing to get involved in all the politics that comes with working in the PTA group.

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Re: "No." is a complete sentence.

Stand your ground, girl!  PTA ( ours was called PTO) made me want to urp. 

Your boys will not remember if you get into that mess, except that it took your time from them, and kept you in a stew.  If you lead Scouts, Jayson coaches, and you act as a Room Mother  (now, there's a dated phrase, I bet!), you are doing more than ninety percent of the pack.  That earns you an A.  (The cookies and such may push you to A+!)

People can only push you past your point of comfortable involvement if you let them.  Don't....